sleepless haiku

Stark, staring awake.
Thoughts galloping wildly.   Wait,
gerbils don't have hooves.


losing Boo

I'm losing the love of my life, my 18 year old giant black cat Booboo (nee Lucifer). I'm not talking, "he's getting older and I don't know how long I have with him", I'm talking, "aggressive malignant carcinoma and he has weeks to live". He's the best cat in the world, and he's given me more than I can ever express. I already lost Monk this year, to a different kind of cancer, so I'm in a world of pain.

I was half an hour late to work yesterday because he curled up on me and purred, and he hasn't done that in the morning for a while. I started crying and couldn't stop. It hit me that I really don't know how many more days like that I have with him. When he feels badly, he doesn't cuddle in the morning or sleep with me, so... his days are numbered, our times together are numbered. And I know, I know, we're all dying from the moment we're born, we never know how long we have with anyone, I FUCKING KNOW. SHUT UP. It's different when you KNOW. I'm not saying it's worse, I'm saying it's a different kind of hell. I've lost cats who suddenly went downhill out of the blue, and the shock of that loss is just godawful. It's all horrible and sad.

But saying goodbye to the best cat in the world is breaking what's left of my heart. I can't even thrust my fists defiantly and shout, "It's unfair!" because he's 18!!! I've had 17 wonderful years with him, he's been healthy as a horse until the last 2! He has ALWAYS been loving, adoring, cuddly, patient, kind... he gave me a wonderful life, and I love him more than anything, and my heart is fucking breaking for him.

Please pray he has a safe and gentle passage, and that I will know if and when it is time for me to intervene.


magic cats

When you're in the cat rescue business, sometimes magic happens. On his way back from Houston, Curio finds an abandoned kitten and brings him to me, I take him to Nancy, she finds him a perfect home... in Houston! Diana rescues a kitten, falls in love but finds him a home, then finds his brother in the pound and brings him home, where he's nursed his way into her heart (or her neck, whatever).

Monk was a magic cat. He was the only third-generation stripybutt, and son of the only female stripybutt in the Tigerclan. I caught his mama, Baby Tiger, when she was still nursing. I didn't know she had a litter, I was just trying to get everybody spayed. She fought her way out of a zipped softside carrier to get back to her kittens, and shortly thereafter, brought them to me.

Monk was the 16th cat of the Year of 16 Kittens, which was also the year I lost Gleep & Minerva. I was so out of my mind that I tried to find someone to foster Monk and his sister and find them homes. I always wanted a stripybutt of my own, but I already had an abundance of cats, I just couldn't take on another one, I was just exhausted... until that night when Monk marched over to Lucifer and Sparrow and the kittenpile, curled up in the middle of them, and looked directly at me as if to say, "Here I am and here I stay. I'm home now." And that was that.

I love all of my cats, but I had a special love for Monk. He was really an amazing cat -- he helped Lucifer keep Sparrow from following Sebastian's mental lead (neurosis runs in that family like whoa), and he became Sebastian's best friend. He was intelligent, reserved, wild, shy, and distressingly non-cuddly (but he would let me pick him up and give him a big squeeze). I guess I always thought that would change, but there was always a wild streak in him. When the lump appeared, I kept trying to figure out how to get him to Dr Cindy, but couldn't. I once chased him around my closed bedroom for over half an hour, throwing mattresses against the walls, giving him nowhere to hide, and I COULD. NOT. CATCH. THAT. CAT.

Monk was a magic cat. I think that's part of why I just cannot reconcile myself to his death. I just can't accept that the future I saw with him being the alpha, living a long happy life, isn't going to happen. I have to find a way to get past the grief. It's making me morbid, and too acutely aware of Booboo's age. I need to find a way to let go and accept that he's gone, so I can remember Monk's life, not his death, so I can remember him with a smile, instead of looking at Booboo through tears.

I loved him every day of his life since he was 6 weeks old. I was so lucky to have him in my life.


there's a hole in the world

"There's a hole in the world. It seems like we ought to have known."

There's a hole in my heart and in my home. Last night I was giving the boys love on my way to bed, and I said "My boys. All my boys." And my heart stopped. Booboo, Sebastian, Sparrow, and Mr Eko. Now they are all the boys I have. Monk is gone. He'll never run up to join in getting love again. I'll never get to pick him up and hug him. I still have some of his favorite toys marinating in catnip, and I feel like such a horrible mother because I should have given them to him more often. I loved him so much and I feel like I failed him and my heart is broken.

But Booboo, Sebastian and Tatters did an amazing thing. When I crawled into bed they surrounded me and began to purr and it felt like they were pushing love and reassurance into me. I think it was a feline Ohm. We all fell asleep together.
Like · · about an hour ago


my Monk is gone

Monk died peacefully in his sleep early morning on Sunday the 4th. He would have been 6 in September.

I was so sure that he was going to lead the family in the years to come. He brought my feline family together after the loss of Gleep and the shocking loss of Minerva. He loved his uncles Sparrow and Sebastian, he loved Booboo, and he even managed to love Magdot and Tatters. He became Sebastian's inseparable friend.

His death was a horrible shock. The lump he developed weeks ago was the only change in him.

I loved him every day of his life since he was 6 weeks old.



I miss the days when I had a double handful of lovers, and I had sex damn near every week, and on really good days, I got to see more than one of my men. Those were good times.

it's an odd combination, it is.

Mom and Dad sent me an Amazon gift card for my birthday, and I finally decided how to spend it tonight -- an odd combination but it suits me well.

  • 2 textbooks born out of my favorite science tv watching.
    • Plate Tectonics: Continental Drift and Mountain Building
    • Introduction to Ocean Sciences

  • 2 books on colorwork knitting -- I learned how to do it years ago, and really enjoyed it;
    • Magnificent Mittens & Socks: The Beauty of Warm Hands and Feet
    • Latvian Mittens: Traditional Designs & Techniques

  • And finally, 3 dvd collections I didn't know existed of the soap operas I fell in love with in 1989, 2 of the longest-running programs on television: The Guiding Light and As the World Turns.
      As The World Turns Classic Episodes
      As The World Turns - Christmas In Oakdale
      Guiding Light Classic Episodes

A beautifully balanced display of my various facets? Or an illustration of the opposing forces that surround me in my astrological chart? (Double Aquarius, Leo Moon. Yep.)

I am my father's child

I was saluted by a formation of 7 crows when I arrived at work. They did two wide flybys with a low dip and contined cawing, and exited honking a birthday song. Really. Two or three of them cawed to set it up, then at least 4 of them honked, in unison, thusly: HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! I feel quite honored.

internet spelling of the day

This one took me a minute to decipher.
I mean, if he's faking his death, it's to allude the law;

However, we did take fifth grade science, which probably mentioned Gregor Mendel and his famous pea study. In case you haven't taken fifth grade science, it basically something about how ... when two things ... and then ... something about traits. Like we said, we're not doctors.



minirth midori
My heart & I don't speak anymore.
~Ivanova, Babylon 5

It ended as all love does; badly.
~Mollari, Babylon 5

All love is unrequited.
~Ivanova, Babylon 5

I need to decide where my heart belongs before the rest of me can follow.
~Ivanova, Babylon 5

If my heart could beat, it would break my chest.
~Spike, BtVS

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June 2013
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